Home sweet home

Phew, I just got everything moved. So now my room is a huge mess, it will take me ages to get everything in place. So I'd better start now. ;P

I like it here, my flatmates are really nice. One of them subscribes to Helsingin Sanomat, so I can read the real newspaper, and not just the internet version.

Next week looks kinda busy. On Monday I'll go to movies (Saw, should be scary), on Tuesday to Stockholm with Laura, get back there on Thursday morning (without vomiting), celebrate my birthday probably at The Club (there is some party by the student union of Helsinki school of economics), have some friends from high school over on Friday and on Sunday hopefully go sledding and in the evening hopefully to the changing of IE (TKY:n isännistön ja emännistön vaihto).

Can't wait. :)

Now, cleaning. Argh.

Hih

I did this questionnaire last summer, but I felt like doing it again just for fun.

current clothing: pyjama-pants, IE-shirt
current mood: stressed out
current taste: toast
current hair: Overgrown.
current annoyance: maths and statics
current smell: this room smells like my granddad's place.
current thing you ought to be doing: studying maths
current jewelry: my rings
current book: Lady Chatterleyn rakastaja, by D.H. Lawrence
current crush: you know who you are
current favorite celebrity: Scarlett Johansson
current longing: the moment tomorrow when I have done the maths exam
current music: none
current wish: I will pass maths
current lyric in your head: I've still got sand in my shoes...
current makeup: none
current undergarments: Black panties and black bra
current regret: the whole autumn term
current desktop picture: some paintings by Barks
current plans for tonight/weekend: maths, sleep
current cuss word du jour: fan också
current disappointment: statics
current amusement: this questionnaire ;P
current IM/person you're talking to: nobody
current love: travelling
current obsession: none
current avoidance: maths
current thing or things on your wall: just some photos, I haven't yet figured out how to decorate these walls
current favorite book: High Fidelity by Nick Hornby
current favorite movie: Kill Bill vol. 2

From Jenni:

Take The First Sentence From The First Post Of Each Month Of 2004. That’s Your Year In Review.

January: Jensteltä otettua, taas enkuksi:
February: Tuolla on lunta.
March: Mä katsoin viikonloppuna reilut kaksi japanilaista elokuvaa.
April: Jenniltä otettua ja suomennettua:
May: Kävin äsken tossa lähimmässä Pikkolossa.
June: Hiphei, pääsen elokuussa lentämään.
July: Suomi on voittanut kahden vuoden sisällä selvin lukemin molemmat EM-finalistit.
August: Mulla pitäisi olla hirveät univelat niskassa, mutta en vaan saa unen päästä kiinni.
September: Luennot alkavat vasta perjantaina 10.9., joten toistaiseksi koulussa on oikein hauskaa. ;)
October: Two weeks away it feels like the world should've changed
November: Uusi ulkoasu kaipaa vielä hiomista, tiedän, mutta en jaksa juuri nyt.
December: 1. Name the Last Four Things You Have Bought:

Maths is so going to hell. Along with my other studies, I didn't pass statics.

I'm moving tomorrow

So this is my last night here. Cannot cope. I have tons of stuff to do, mainly maths and packing.

I will miss this tiny flat on the road where the cars never stop going through the night. And I will miss Töölö. I love it here. Everything is so close and the houses are pretty.

I won't miss that loud brat living next door, though.

Ah well. I will adjust to Perkkaa, and I think I will miss it in the autumn when I will hopefully go to Spain.

It has snowed all day. Yay! The whole world is so white and beautiful. I wish the snow stays on the ground.

Malmi airport

Please, go to this site about saving the Malmi airport, and if you agree with it, sign the petition.

Even if you don't personally really care about aviation, but care about my happiness, please sign it. ;)

Age-crisis

Oh god, I just realised that my birthday is just 2 weeks away. I will turn 21. I don't want to!

21 looks so old. I'm not old. I'm not an adult, not even close. I know that 21 is still young and almost teenager, but still. I will be one year closer to 30. Graaah. I don't want to grow up. I don't want to get a proper job career, have kids or commit myself to one place by buying a house. Oh no.

I don't think I've ever been as drunk as I was on Monday. That's not a very grown-up thing to do, now is it? Yay, I apparently still act like a teenager. ;P I drank way too much and I have no idea why. Didn't I realise that I was drunk like a skunk already? I totally lost control of myself, which is actually really scary. I have to take it easily the next time. I just can't let that happen again.

Now maths. I'll have an exam on Monday. Argh.

Seasick

I just came back from a cruise to Stockholm. Gamla stan was as lovely as ever.

The wind was pretty strong and I got a bit seasick. Actually, I even threw up last night.

It had to be because of the wind, not because I had drunk about 12 units of alcohol that night...

Yay :)

I just read everything I had blogged in January 2003.

I didn't even remember how bad I felt back then. And in late March I was over Heikki.

So it's nice to remember, that I've been here before and survived. Just knowing that makes it easier to believe that I will get over Elmo.

I hope something good comes out of this.

I cried today for Elmo. Really cried. Felt that I really want him back. Realised that he is not coming back. Felt that I will never get over him or meet somebody better (of course I will, even though now I don't feel like it).

Perhaps it's a good thing, that I can admit to myself (and to the whole world :) ) that I am not OK. I'm miserable and depressed. I don't want to do anything, I have to force myself to go out.

So now I can hopefully process my sadness, grieve properly and then get over him. I can't avoid the grieving forever, better to do it sooner than later.

I was reading old e-mails, and all of a sudden there was some cute e-mail he had sent me, that triggered this feeling. And of course, I saw him today in Euroavia Helsinki's meeting. We were normal. It wasn't awkward to see him. There were other people around, it would have been different, had it been just the two of us.

I'm still mad at him, though. I guess we should discuss things through at some point. I want to know his point of view. But definitely not yet. Sometimes in February or March might be good.

I want to go to home home.

Wish it was spring already

I just got a sudden urge to go bicycling. I really have to get winter tyres to my bike. I will thankfully move closer to countryside, so cycling will be a lot easier.

My schedule for spring looks good. I will have two courses of Spanish (3 and something for those who are going to live in Spain), advanced management accounting, introduction to mechanics of materials IA (lujari), international economics, dynamics I, principles of strategit management, introduction to project management, basics in environmental management and corporate responsibility and I will continue the lovely technical design -course. 22 cr in total. But after easter I will only have 19 hours of lectures and excercises, and I will have Mondays and Fridays free. Yay!

And now back to accounting and profitability. I've got 9 pages left for this evening. It's not much, but I just can't get started.

Unbelieveable

I just read an article about how to get over your ex from some old Cosmopolitan-magazine. And, get this, it was actually helpful! A good, helpful article in Cosmopolitan.

Another helpful thing is that I am so mad at Elmo right now. I'd like to call him and tell exactly what an asshole he is, but I don't think it would help. What's the point, he is my ex-boyfriend now, it doesn't matter anymore. And I don't want to hear his explanation, because it would hurt too much.

I know what you're saying, so please stop explaining, don't tell me 'cause it hurts. (No Doubt: Don't Speak)

Well, at least right now I feel that I don't want him back. I'm progressing. I know I'll be okay when I can picture myself happily with somebody else (and I don't mean those fantasies that include jealous Elmo).

And I will be over him when I can see him with somebody else and be happy for them. Right now the idea of him with somebody else just makes me sick.

This really hasn't been my day. I'd better go to sleep.

Phew

Now I got some sort of explanation. Or at least now I know that I did nothing wrong, I'm just not that kind of person that he wants to spend his whole life with.

My heart will go on.

Kinda funny that he has been thinking of dumping me about the same time that I have complained about him to my diary.

It kinda sunk in

It apparently took me 24 hours to begin to realise, that our relationship really is over. So now I'm just crying.

I need to know why. And at the same time I don't want to know, because it hurts. But I think it will help me to get over him. I knew that one of the reasons why Heikki and I broke up was that we wanted different things from life. Back then I had a strong desire to live abroad and we were thinking of applying to universities in different towns. It wouldn't have worked in the long run. Of course there were other reasons, for instance some stupid first-relationship mistakes.

I went shopping today and found a gorgeous skirt. It was weird to see how life actually does go on. The world doesn't give a damn. I can't really explain myself.

I also went running, and it felt good. I'll just have to do things that give me pleasure. But I'm not going to succumb to junk food and chocolate, like I did two years ago.

Things to do

1. Sports. Both watching and doing. I'm going to watch ski-jumping tomorrow, La Liga on Sunday, and I'm going to do some kind of exercising every day this week.

2. Shopping. It cheers me up every time.

3. Moving. I get to decorate a whole new room. :)

4. Movies. But no romantic comedies.

5. Searching for a summer job. It may not be fun, but it's distraction.

6. Studying. Same applies here. But physics and statics remind me of Elmo.

7. Planning my semester in Spain.

8. Searching a venue for Euroavia Helsinki's annual festivities. I'm the coordinator of the party. Elmo is the president of the club. So we kinda have to get along well.

9. Planning how to convince people that I would make a great treasurer for Euroavia. Euroavia is for aeronautical engineering students what Estiem is for students of industrial engineering and management. And I really want to be in Euroavia's international board.

10. Get a new haircut. Or at least get rid of all the split-ends.

11. Convince myself that Elmo is not coming back. Understand?

Somehow I hope this is just a dream

But this is reality.

Elmo broke up with me. Just like that. Sure, I had sensed that he wasn't that happy with me, but I just thought I was paranoid. And yes, I had played with the idea of dumping him for the past few days, but still it was a surprise.

We had our problems, we didn't get to see that often, but I thought we could fix them.

I just don't understand why. With Heikki or Juho I knew why we weren't suitable for each other, but now I really don't know. Elmo was - is - suitable for me, but I guess that I'm not what he's looking for. I don't know if he can give me any explanation. I'm not sure if really want to hear it.

Well, he does pride himself for not knowing anything about sports and he doesn't have any lust for travelling (In the past three years I have been abroad as many times as he has been in his whole life.).

I don't know what to feel. I kinda feel nothing. I don't want to think about this. Not right now.

Charity

I was collecting donations for Unicef yesterday with Jenni. It was amazing to see how much money people gave to Asia. Three kids wanted to give away their whole allowance this month. :o Geez, that is so kind. I would never do that, though.

I'm really excited about moving. Yay. :) Can't wait to decorate my new room. For once I won't have problems fitting my furniture in, because the room is so huge.

I really hope that this year will be better than last one. I don't really know what went wrong, but it just felt like 12 monhts of PMS.

Wish me courage for tonight.

New year, new language

I'm going to blog in English from now on. I desperately need to brush up my English. My Finnish isn't perfect, either, but I write in Finnish every day to my private diary and Demi.

I'm moving back to Espoo this month. Yay. A friend of Jenni has rented an apartement with three of his friends, but now he moved out to live with his girlfriend, so I got the room. The room is as big as my whole apartement now and my living costs per month will be about 180 € lower. My new roommates should be nice, I met one of them today and he seemed friendly.

There's also a super-fast internet connection (now it's 2 MB, but it will be upgraded to 8 MB), a washing-machine, a toaster, a freezer and an iron. Oh yeah, and the room has an access to balcony.

I hope the apartement has cable-tv. I need sports channel (Urheilukanava), now that they start to show La Liga on Sundays. Thankfully dad has a digital tv, so I can always go to home home (that is a correct expression, or at least Nick Hornby used it in High Fidelity) to watch it.