I hope something good comes out of this.

I cried today for Elmo. Really cried. Felt that I really want him back. Realised that he is not coming back. Felt that I will never get over him or meet somebody better (of course I will, even though now I don't feel like it).

Perhaps it's a good thing, that I can admit to myself (and to the whole world :) ) that I am not OK. I'm miserable and depressed. I don't want to do anything, I have to force myself to go out.

So now I can hopefully process my sadness, grieve properly and then get over him. I can't avoid the grieving forever, better to do it sooner than later.

I was reading old e-mails, and all of a sudden there was some cute e-mail he had sent me, that triggered this feeling. And of course, I saw him today in Euroavia Helsinki's meeting. We were normal. It wasn't awkward to see him. There were other people around, it would have been different, had it been just the two of us.

I'm still mad at him, though. I guess we should discuss things through at some point. I want to know his point of view. But definitely not yet. Sometimes in February or March might be good.

I want to go to home home.